no means no

Author

Vessal Jaberi
February 11, 2025

no means no. 

probably the first phrase we memorize as kids, 

adults taught us this in order to teach us about boundaries, respect and consent. 

but what i find interesting is, as adults, we don’t really follow the very lesson we teach kids. 

how often do you find yourself in a situation where you didn’t say no to someone just because it may seem rude or make the situation uncomfortable?

i’m guilty of it myself, 

one time, i said “yes” to helping my then girlfriend’s mom move homes, 

not the biggest deal, but here is the kicker: her mother had a collection of vintage furniture.

she would pick up old antiques, fix them up and sell them, she claimed it was a side hustle, 

a but a sane person would have called it a hoarding addiction. 

this woman’s basement had dressers, dining tables and chairs stacked on top of each other all the way to the ceiling. 

she had dressers so big i feared opening them would open the gates to Narnia.

she had marble coffee tables. 

MARBLE.

TABLES. PLURAL.

oh and here is the kicker:

everything was in an underground basement or on the 2nd or 3rd floor of their home,

their home was built on a slope that would be considered regulation for the olympic ski jump, 

oh and it was in the middle of canadian winter. 

i had just finished 9 hours of hard landscaping work at my weekend job, and i drove to her house to give her a hand. 

now listen, 

i was more than happy to help someone move, especially if it meant brownie points with my girlfriend’s mother, 

but i was not told what i was in for, and i was the only male there, 

so it was me vs 100 dressers made out of oak. 

anyways, 3 hours in, as i was carrying a 2000 lbs dresser into the truck, 

my girlfriend’s mom stopped me to ask me a question, 

as the sharp edge of the dresser was cutting into my hands,

this lady asked me if i could come by the next day to help them finish moving stuff from a storage unit they rented that had even more furniture, 

in that moment i wanted to smash the dresser on her head, throw her in a wood chipper and set her shavings on fire, 

but instead i told her “yea ofcourse, i’ll be there”

what i really should have told her was how i felt. that she probably should have hired professionals to move this heavy ass crap, or just sold it wholesale so she didn’t have to move it at all. 

but i didn’t say any of that, and after that, 

 i was i was extremely bitter towards her and towards myself and even my girlfriend. 

and honestly, 

i was the one in the wrong. 

you can’t hold resentment towards someone because you said yes when you wanted to say no.

you can’t be mad at them for putting yourself in a situation you had full control avoiding. 

this kind of stuff happens all the time in relationships, and one of the best skills you can learn is to say no to others, even if it will annoy them in the moment. 

life is short and complex and you don’t need to add to it by putting yourself in situations where you can have easily avoided by saying no.

now it’s a lot easier to say no to something you don’t want to do, 

it’s much harder to say no to something that is good 

but maybe isn’t the best thing for you in the current moment, 

but…that’s a story for a different time.

- vessal